the busy week has come to an end. i said this before and while the week was physically draining and a heck of a battle, i’m grateful for every part of it. after coming back from church, i ate rice, sidedishes and afterwards and animal crackers with a glass of milk. sundays seem to have the most random meals. parents weren’t happy about me being gone the entire week along with coming home late since tomorrow’s the first day of school. i understand where they’re coming from. i just get tired of their voices. it’s hard to accept and know that they’re do it out of love and that they’re parents being parents.

if this is growing up, it’s hard. of course it’s a fight but i know it’s not against flesh. God’s on my side and he’s taking it one step at a time. he knows me well and i’m forever grateful for that.

i was really stressed out about not having a place to live for the past week or so. my mom called while some of us were at mr.greek’s and i totally blew up. i was yelling at my parents and getting way too emotional. i stood outside the restaurant for a little bit to chill down. then i went back inside but i wasn’t over the frustration so i went into the bathroom and cried. i was like ‘oh god why now? seriously? in mr. greek’s bathroom?!’ it’s kind of funny now that i’m writing about it. God has a sense of humor. [and this is where i fell asleep] even as i was walking around the room, i noticed his shirt. we started talking about art and how he does photography and i do too except he’s very minial and everyone’s looks the same. eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

HAHAHAha i think i was having a dream. i’m so crazy. :D

[to be continued] find out why i think God has a sense of humor! until then.. stay tuned!

editedit

after crying, after a couple of sniffles, something caught my eye on the wall to my left. i knew God was speaking. it was a faded sticker asking the ever-so-famous question, ‘why so serious?’ and i can barely make out joker’s green eyes and red smile looking at me. joker’s kind of creepy but i knew it was God asking so i smiled instead. then cried some more. it’s more than what he said but just the knowing that he was there. he reaffirmed it with that small faded sticker.

i guess it’s not that funny. yay God!

it’s good to be aware of how you manage money, it’s another thing to be paralyzed by it.

it’s one thing to wish and dream for something, it’s another to know that it’s just not the right time.

it’s one thing to realize something about yourself, it’s another to deny it.

even in these times as uncertain as now, there is a peace that transcends understanding.

the downtown site worked on prepping for ocr materials during mon-tuesday and half of today. we finally got to meet some of the students that were on campus today. it was good to see them and get to know them. some of them were apathetic and annoyed but most of them were open and willing to listen. this year feels different. uic looks different; it’s become a place i call home. it is a commuter school and that makes uic less home-y. the prison-like/depressing architecture only makes it worse. i pray God will show up with such a powerful presence this year that all will know that he exists and that he loves them. when i think about uic, it makes me think of the words; loneliness and apathy. i’m generalizing and even biased because that’s how i used to be but i think it covers a good amount of people that come to this school. people need some Christ’s lovin’~

i’ve been waking up at 7:20 or earlier consistently. it’s weird because i’ve been sleeping later than i used to at home. still i have yet to wake up any later. i take it as a blessing.

the past few days have been physically draining but i feel like i’m actually living. is it because i actually have things to do and get done? that’s probably a part of it. more than that though, i think i’m getting a taste of what it means to live a purposeful life and not for myself but for something greater. thinking about next year worries me but i anticipate a lot of good things to happen too. “trust me,” he said. and i stood above the darkness and chaos. afraid that they would cause me to doubt even if i didn’t want to. i’m realizing that walking with God is a daily calling. while i may be tired right now, i can’t imagine how much busier it will get when classes begin. i’m learning to trust God now and seeing that he is faithful. that he calms the storm that grows unknowingly and overwhemingly in my heart and mind. things such as housing, classes, major, balancing church and school; they stress me out. up till now, i don’t think i’ve been faithful to God’s simple command to pray. not that i’m more desperate than i was before and at times i feel that i was more desperate and lost during my junior year of hs and freshmen year of college. i see what i have not seen before; God’s sovereignty in my life. it’s a lesson of faith and active faith that i’ve learned in the past year and i continue to learn. when i think back to my freshmen year, it amazes me to see how far he’s carried me. and to know that he is the same as he was then as he is now only emphasizes the point that it’s all a matter of perspective. the God i knew was hidden and careless. the God i know is here and cares deeply.

school is starting soon.

the parents are more worried than i am.

i’m surrendering all of it. make it yours.

i slept over at the hakim’s and got ready for church. the morning weather was kind of warm but with a bit of breeze, it was near perfect. but then again, it was 7:30 in the morning. although it was hectic during service, i tried not to focus so much on the fact that i screwed up but rather about the being humble and learning part. i especially enjoyed just talking and being with people today. i don’t know why i was so glad to see them. is it just me or did everyone seem like they were in a good mood? meh?

later, it started pouring. :)

i was really hungry today hahaha

i’ve been thinking about a friend from high school name jessica. we were best friends from freshmen-sophomore year. during every lunch period, instead of sitting/eating in the cafeteria like everyone else, we snuck out and sat around the hidden areas of our school and talked about music, life, hairstyles, art, how high school is full of stupid people who can’t think for themselves and how often we feel hopeless because life can be depressing at any age. she didn’t seem like everybody else in high school and i think it was because of that reason that we became friends in the first place. i’m not sure what happened after those years but we just kind of stopped talking and now i don’t know where she is. i tried asking her cousin about her whereabouts and i think she got annoyed. i miss her a lot. what kills me is that the only vivid memory of her other than her big smile and crazy laugh were the scars on her arms. she was hurting a lot inside and she chose to numb that by hurting herself. back then, i was afraid to know what really happened so i never asked after that one time. after she denied it that one time. a part of me wants to meet her again so i don’t feel guilty about not being the friend that i could’ve been. a lot of me though, as i’ve learned the importance of one person, feels hopeful and more convicted to love, initiate, and not be afraid to share the light that God has shone into my life. a lot of me though just wants to sit down and talk about whatever the heck we want.

11:39pm [that kind of made me sad]