friends, the five letter word, and God

i’m thankful for my friends. for someone who thought i could live life on my own, i’m realizing the trueness of how important and precious each one of you are to me. thank you for listening, encouraging, understanding, caring, knowing even when words fail, accepting me and loving me for me. i know i’ve been selfish and careless in many ways whether it was evident or not. writing through my blog helps me to organize my thoughts and at the same time, not be exposed in my shame. i’m sorry. those words sound so flat and dead against the computer screen, don’t they? that’s how my words are sometimes. they only go so far until they hit the screen and bounce right off.

i’m reminded of what it means to die to myself every day. my continous rebellion against God and a heart that is turned from him disappoints me and frustrates me more than anything. i just keep falling. hurting myself and refusing to take a hand from anyone or God. pride. it even has the letter ‘i’ in the middle of it. this five letter word weighs so heavily even when i don’t realize it and it’s definitely getting heavier. i can’t ignore it anymore. there’s a yearning in me to be transformed and changed by him, the only one who can turn and move the hard heart of a human. it’s so hard though. it’s so hard. as i write, these words echo in my heart and mind, ‘let go, let God.’ what does it mean to die to myself, pick up the cross, and follow Christ? i’m more than willing to know. it’s the life God calls me to live and i want to obey no matter how hard it is.